so nobody asked me… What Real Life test??? February 2, 2008
Posted by Erica Rose in Health, advocacy, blogging, civil rights, lgbt, transexual, transgender.trackback
I had heard a rather well known gender therapist say once that transitioning was something that wealthy middle aged men do when they face their mid-life crises. She said that with a straight face too.
Interesting that one would say such a thing when there are folk with gender dysphoria in all age groups, and all ethnic/racial/class groups. Different ethnic backgrounds, different colors, and some have real class, and need a bit of class, lmao!
Not all that long ago, I’d received an invitation to a gala event thrown by a gender advocacy group, not one that is nationally known, but on the state level. The tickets were $250 just to get in, $500 to sit in the special area where one can hob-nob with the alleged elite of society. Formal attire was required of course.
Most transfolk don’t have that kind of money, and thus don’t get to go to such events, and thus are neither seen, nor heard by the so called “beautiful people”, the d’Evremonde’s. But they’re welcome, of course to send their contributions of any amount to this organization.
So an organization that is believed to be committed to winning our rights and representing us has no places for us at the table unless we come up with the princely sum of $250 just to get in the door??
Last year, I went to a local gender organization event, in the summer, it was a party, held on the grounds of a rural mansion. The place was beautiful! The grounds were truly picturesque, the mansion richly decorated, as for a great jarl!
It was owned by a wealthy transsexual lady, who had come into quite an inheritance, invested wisely, et voila, and she kindly made the space available for this event, at $45 per ticket. I paid and even helped out. Wine flowed fairly freely, and at the end, or near it, whatever was left, the organizers made off with as fast as they could.
Deep breath… taking a long drag off a cigarette, letting it out slowly.
I think there are two transgender communities, not one. Two.
There are the wealthy socialite transsexuals/transvestites, who hobnob with the “elite” of society, down on the gold coast…
and then there are the rest of us. We’re the ones who go through hell, especially those of us who go through the “real life test” that is required to get THE LETTER authorizing us to get help modifying our own bodies, because even though these are our bodies, society demands we get authorization to do so.
There’s another kick in the…
The point of the real life test is for the prospective transsexual to find out if he or she is really comfortable and happier as herself or himself, as opposed to what is down there twixt the nethers. Is this person truly transsexual, or not? Is this person truly comfortable in the role?
That’s what it’s meant to be.
If wishes were fishes…
The truth is that the “real life test” for many is a walk in hell, a test of nerve, of resolve, of sheer fu**ing will, because it’s not about fitting into the role, it’s about enduring the ridicule, the hatred, harassment, discrimination abuse, and even violence of others, each and every damned day, trying to achieve that goal, getting THE LETTER, permission from the therapist to go ahead and get help modifying one’s body properly.
Of course nobody needs authorization to just drink a fifth of Stoli, grab a knife and DIY…
But then, don’t be too surprised to find some hospitals/clinics refusing to treat you out of the administrator’s personal conviction that this is wrong wrong wrong, and that you’re only reaping the “just reward” for sinning against “almighty god” in defying his will in your life…
So it is a test of nerve, of endurance, taking it, and taking it, and taking it, and I wonder if somehow along the way, people give up, not because they’re not transsexual, but because they’re not “iron souled” and are just too gentle, soft hearted and delicate to make it without finding the answer in the business end of a revolver, leaving the arithmetic running down the wall behind… or just giving up.
Some plastic surgeons who specialize in facial feminization surgery insist on getting the same LETTER before doing even that. I think that is very cruel actually, because looks and voice can often help ease transition immensely, more so than the affirming surgery down under. Everyone sees your face, hears your voice, hardly anyone sees what’s in your panties, unless you want them to, or get raped, or someone in the gestapo… I mean, homeland security doesn’t like your face and they strip search you, just cuz they can.
I don’t think the real life test is a real life test at all. Some who have gender issues and cajones as big as volkswagens will go through it, get the surgery, just because they’re (deep down) extremely competitive males proving they can take it, that they can do it, and find they can’t go through life any longer without those same cajones that got them that far.
Some ladies just can’t take the abuse without giving up, or going to drugs, alcohol, or suicide… which of course the religious right will claim is just evidence that transsexuals are inherently mental defective to start with (otherwise they’d be god fearing bible believing folk like them) or are the vilest sinners, (worse in some eyes than pedophiles) and should never, ever be given rights in a christian society like ours.
Of course, it’s a lot easier with money. Money doesn’t make everything possible, but it makes a lot of things easier (thank you for that saying btw!) so it is easy for one to say wealthy middle aged men get sex changes cuz they’re bored, easier for them to pass too, access to plastic surgery, not having to worry about being employed during the insane life test and getting to hob nob with others like themselves at $250 to $500 a plate.
Must be nice.
But for the rest of us… (you write the ending)
I’d like to post this as a guest post on Transadvocate.com if you’re interested.
Hi Marti, okay. Thank you, I would be interested. Thank you again! Erica
Beyond the two transgendereds, there are two left wings, which operate in much the same fashion.
The left elite, the pseudolefties, can be seen in force in Santa Fe and Taos. Their Priuses and Porches are festooned with bumperstickers calling for peace, and for freeing Tibet. They are rah-rah for one democrat or another. Sometimes they are Greens.
They dress like hippies, and can be seen bolting down the steps of their million-dollar adobes, in a rush to visit their guru or shaman.
They are not hippies. They are the bohemian bourgeoise.
Suggest revolution and they will pee. They don’t want radical transformative change, they enjoy their lives of privilege. They want the status quo, but they would like it to be a kinder gentler status quo, without friction, blood or rage.
Anarchists, Wobblies and the like upset and terrify them.
They would like to be on good terms with their waiters and busboys, their landscapers and gardeners and housekeepers. But they would not to live in the same neighborhood with them.
Ultimately, they don’t get it. To seek peace without seeking justice is to seek perpetual injustice. They are full of shit, and for the most part this is instantly recognizable to those of us who work for a living and struggle to make ends meet. They will never build a movement, just a comfy social club for themselves and those like them.
Ya, that’s pretty much it. Showing up at the big functions just in time for the speeches and accolades, just in time for the groupies in awe of them to line up to kiss their booties, like they’re goddesses, while the wine they buy with our admission ticket sales invariably winds up in the trunks of their cars.
email me at marti.abernathey@gmail.com.
Hi Erica,
I can relate to what you’re saying.
Very best wishes,
Stephanie
I agree.
Look at the various conferences or functions, both are suppose to be about the very people who lost their jobs, homes etc because they needed to correct their bodies. Who can afford to show up and share their realities in most of those places? 200 to 600 an event plus expenses to be there.
Sadly in those places it’s our lives that are being played with, our future being decided, yet we have no say.
Yep those who are rich continue to control even those of us who are on the outside of society.
Good on that woman for holding her event at a more reasonable fee so that more had a chance to attend.
I’m amazed that so many doctors and therapists are still requiring the “real life” test. There’s no evidence that it provides any benefits whatsoever, and for those of us who don’t pass without hormones and/or some surgeries, it does more harm than good.
Many transmen like myself follow the Nick Gorton SOC, which advocates tailoring the transition process to the individual rather than rigidly adhering to a one-size-fits-all model. In my case, that amounted to a one-time psych. evalaluation and a letter to the endo. My chest surgeon didn’t even ask for a letter; the fact that I had been on testosterone for over a year was good enough for him. I don’t expect to start passing until I’m at least 4 or 5 years into transition.
Of course, many guys don’t get genital surgery and those who do usually have to save up for it for years, at which point they’ve been living as men for years as well. Still, it seems to me that a similar transition model could be applied to the ladies; a mutually constructed plan between doctors and patient that is tailored to that individual’s needs, body type, lifestyle, etc.
Its me blog dada,moma, happy person..I just wantt to welcome fromt the bottom of my heart, all our new commenters. Our new visitors. Consider this the safest of spaces, a chance to put your views out there your experiences as you are comfortable..in other words write YOUR NOTES let us know of all the other resources we may have missed, projects you love or want to tell the world about.. This is another home for you ! We too will visit your sites and resources. YOU ARE LOVED, HEARD AND APPRECIATED DEEPLY. We are all in this together, we are learning everyday , in everyway. And i am soo PROUD OF ALL OF US.
so that was my love NOTE, to my community, and those who walk along side us, in real support who want to learn. – so welcome , welcome , welcome and remember readers, there is no question when asked politely that is too dumb to ask. The only stupid question is the ONE that is not asked. Its is safe to learn here. We are a real rainbow. And my hearts is filled literally with JOY that this blog is part of a whole , that forwards PROGRESSIVE, THOUGHTFUL PROCESSES
soo thank you , and never hesitate to leave us NOTES –
yours in the struggle now and until the day i buy the farm – Proggie
oh and as an retired social worker who has worked in four states, i just gotta say WTF, how can people pull themselves up by their “bootstraps” when they have no boots. Its an age old problem in advocacy…ie, the peal wearing social worker to help the struggling welfare mom..- errr NOT HELPFUL. No one should be turned away from educational , events or even fund raisers for lack of funds. Have two plates for example, different levels of giving, but BUILD the community be inclusive,not elitist.. and often the groups that do these high end events would just shudder if they were called on the elitism..and classism. Its part of larger social problem for example lgb or feminist groups often wonder why do we just not have more people of color etc….NEWSFLASH , some people are too busy just trying to eat, pay rent, get to work , buy gas pay bills, to be “token” at some well meaning white folks group..THE GROUP IDEALLY , to use and old social work concept , needs to MEET THE PEOPLE , where they are AT. ie..rent out the room for the meeting in the inner city, advertise in the local papers, set up an enviroment that connotes, that this place is for YOU (person out there they are trying to reach out to)
If we look at systems theory – ala the social work model there is a lot to be gleaned for progressive change and grassroots organizing. And when any member of a system changes, the whole system or constellation will change. WE will see much change this yr as far as the “T” goes, in the lgbTq movement goes. One challenge besides for education , will be to make sure, That the T part is no longer toyed with by the HRC, and that we build our organizations stronger. And that is happening AS WE TYPE.
Also that we continue to dialog with eachother, and not discount the work one group is doing vs another..ITS ALL part of our “TAPESTRY” and above all – NO MORE STATISTICs , much like the early days of HIV we need to literally BUILD or OWN SOCIAL SERVICE NETWORKS, to take care of our OWN. and we are !
Hmm.. thats just how it goes I guess. Humans feed on hate.
Hiyas, Dr Oosterhout, best I know, requires the letter to perform FFS, (facial feminization surgery), and to get the letter, one has to go through the “real life test”, which I think is a misnomer if there ever was one! I think Dr Zukowski does too. That more than the surgery down there is vitally important, because a woman who kinda looks like a man is in for a much rougher time. At least, if one truly is transsexual, getting FFS early on balances the field, so to speak. At least for some.
I think you’re right, we’re going to need to build our own social service networks. I’ve already had it thrown in my face from one gay man that we’re parasites feeding off their social networks, and giving nothing in return.
I could write a post about it, but all in all, it’s who, and in what way? Transgender is such a big, big umbrella covering so many, transsexuals, crossdressers, TV’s, etc. and yes, there are some who fit the endearing term “parasite” but that cuts across all gender and orientation lines.
We’ve got to take care of our own. you’re right.
Femme, yes! They’re the ones whose decisions effect our lives, and we don’t get to sit in and discuss, be seen, be heard, but have to trust that they are looking out for us… and maybe they are, but at the same time, we need to be seen and heard too, with the people who make the decisions, with the people who represent us, talk to them, listen. Let them have a look at who they’re representing, that we’re not just names on a petition or on a contributors’ list, or pretty, or not pics in a gender magazine.
Mingle, talk, listen, get to know us as the flesh and blood people we really are!
One would think that , there would be a group of therapists who would actually have special training, seriously..continued education credits to either become certified or highly knowledgable of the specialty treating the TG’d. Its been so long since i was in any field, and when i worked it was for agencies not private practice. And i worked in Managed Care(yes the EVIL EMPIRE, doing mental health clinical care reviews ) AS a Public Health issue, there ought to be many therapists who are easy to access able to expertly assess WITH the individuals where on the Gender Continuum they fall, screen for co existing mental health issues. and do a fine line diagnosis , ie. depression/anxiety secondary to TS vs some more serious Axis 1 or 2 troubles. Like schiziphrenia or a serious personality disorder that manifests with some kind of delusional ideas…The most important thing is to find a GOOD THERAPIST imHo , there are a lot of quacks out there. And there are SUPERB ONES ,really EXCELLENT.
That is not to say that one could not be gender varient and have a stand alone mental health issue ie serious stress related reactive depression due to Gender Varience , just a coincidence..a good clinician could discern this differenial diagnosis and refer or treat the person appropriately.
As Erica says, and i fully AGREE , some people JUST SIMPLY CANNOT TAKE SUCH A PROLONGED SOCIAL BEATING , not for any lack of desire to make their bodies congruent with their inborn gender indentiities..in fact not being able to have little victories along the way could add to despair. We need MORE SOCIAL SPACE and LEGAL PROTECTIONS for the GENDER VARIENT .period. ITs all about how one presents in the world…hence why an NON inclusive ENDA is NO HELP at all. There ought to be some leeway and flexiabliltiy in the RLT , be tailored to the indiividual in their environment and adequate as well for the person and the therapist that indeed SRS is the way to go and a goal to pursue. We also have the phenom of kids ie. natal females knowing earlier, then ever they are MALE vs butch dykes but natal females can CROSS DRESS all their lives, with very little static, Most TS all of know from Toddler age we are NOT the GENDER our parents think we are…. but , ..its tricky, quite frankly..But again a good clinician can do a differential diagnosis.
For natal Males its MUCH MUCH HARDER, cross dressing is not tolorated or easily understood, there are numerous fetishes or places on the gender variance continuum to assess, and or to rule out as Chloe’s post about goes into.
.BUT when it comes to the Real Life Test.. Natal males have a very significant disadvantage. OUR culture does not tolorate nor understand this – BUT THEY WILL SOON ! oh they WILL. I promise YOU ALL THAT !!! WE will tell em and tell em..teach em and teach em..And make more “social” space for the RLT for everyone.
An ideal protocal, would require insurance to PAY , as they would for any other condition..( why we need a single payer plan) and TSism is a medical condition, not a pathology , a condition in need of correction, like a cleft palete. To have insurance pay WE need : Critical Care PATHWAYS, for sure. But the critical clinical pathway must have some wiggle room in the RLT esp for natal males. WHY ? Because – NOT everyone who is deeply Transexual is in the “positon” socially, in environment, 24/7 to pass for a year, they simply are not. It does not make them one less iota transexual. It just makes transition that much more impossible. Its important that people find a comfort zone, in a long road, that involves some social manifestation and being OUT. No ONE should have to live in a closet …PERIOD. And no one should lose a job or a home due to the RLT.
Beeeauuuutifuuuul Woooooolf!!!!!
Zukowski doesn’t require any letters if you wish to have FFS with him.
Oh! And I talked to one of my friends who had FFS with Dr. O, and he didn’t require any letters, either. So, I guess I’m confused as to the point of the post…?
Well! I’m delighted, I really am! I’d read an article about there being a need for specific instructions in the Harry Benjamin standards for care covering FFS, because there were some issues and concerns that the same standard would be held for that as it is for GRS. I’d read a posting from someone calling for just that, and some rants on a website some time back, about the gatekeeper mentality of the medical community at large toward transsexuals and care for them, for us. I am delighted to hear that Dr. Ousterhout and Dr Zukowski don’t require such a letter. Since reading your comments I’ve looked them up myself, and found no mention of that letter being needed, or even in the HBSOC, and not even a mental health professional’s letter stating there was a legitimate need for it, though I did find something mentioned about that on another site about FFS this evening.
The point of the post is more than the issue of facial feminization surgery, that was just a small part of it.
Thank you!
April… I’m confused about your confusion. Erica’s post had a very minute part on FFS, and you don’t get the point of the entire post? What was your point in commenting with something like that?
Some surgeons may give a TS trouble over the issue of referral letters, and some don’t require anything except money. In Thailand, I’ve heard some SRS surgeons only need 1 letter of referral. So, any way you slice it, transition’s a series of hoops for transexuals to jump through. I’m glad your friend didn’t need a referral letter for Dr. Ousterhout, unless it was for breast augmentation/mastectomy… some surgeons might, as the SoC requires a minimum of 6 months of psychotherapy before these procedures can be performed. It all depends on the procedure, SoC guidelines, the surgeon, and the individual themselves.
So, I just have to ask April… Did you even read the rest of this post? Good for your friend, and kudos, but was it really necessary to blatantly point out someone’s blog errors? I know I make my fair share of them, too, but really… what’s the point in pointing out someone’s mistakes here? Does it make you feel smarter? Pretty sophomoric if you ask me.
You’ll have to excuse me if I sound a bit harsh… I think it’s that time of the month.
XOXO
-Chloe
Sophomoric April, that’s me! And yes, I read the entire post – several times – but I think I shall refrain from being baited by your ad hominem attacks.
The only thing that the real life test blocks is access to SRS. You can get therapy, you can go on hormones, you can get FFS, you get everything besides SRS without doing a single day of your RLT. If the entire post is predicated on the RLT being a “walk through hell” to get permission to modify out bodies to help ourselves pass in society – and that’s not true – then I think that’s important to point out.
Being wealthy is irrelevant – a poor transsexual can get SRS from the same non-letter-checking Thai surgeons as rich transsexuals can. They both pay the same amounts. It certainly takes longer to acheive funding, but the RLT cuts equally – if a rich transsexual wants to get SRS from a US surgeon or an expensive Thai surgeon, then they have to suffer through the RLT just the same as a poor transsexual.
The RLT doesn’t exactly cut equally, if you’re rich, you don’t have to worry about finding or keeping work, do you?
Thank you for your comments April
April, dear… I laid no bait, nor did I intend my comment as an ad hominem attack. While I am admittedly not an expert on the “walk through hell” a transexual must go through, I am transexual, and I am most certainly living the RLT. It can be frustrating during this period, but it’s not all bad. And of course the RLT “blocks” access to SRS… you can get hormones, FFS, therapy, electrolysis… anything you want to get done without the RLT besides SRS. However, even for transexuals who pass really well, it can still be a daunting task to undertake.
No, being wealthy is not irrelevant. While I agree, a poor transexual (such as myself) can get SRS and pay the same amount for it… and it’s really difficult for an unemployed person to save ANY money, let alone $6,000 – $20,000 for surgery… it still isn’t balanced. While a rich transexual still has to suffer through the RLT (and it’s strange you used the word “suffer” here, when you earlier denied the RLT was a “walk through hell”), ultimately they will be able to have access to any kind of FFS they want, and breast augmentation/hair transplants, etc. with much haste. As soon as the RLT is done, they can shell out thousands of dollars in the blink of an eye and go right through with SRS and into their post-operative lives.
Poor transexuals on the other hand, get started on their RLT, get hormones, and if they have no job, and no family to support them, quite possibly no roof over their heads… they end up destitute and alone in the world, having to resort to living on the streets; in the skids… some can’t get a job because of employment discrimination (which isn’t illegal by US federal standards… it’s “ok” to not hire someone for being transgender)… some resort to prostituting themselves out in order to sustain their lives, and some may even be brutally murdered (the homicide rate for transexuals is 1 in 12, as opposed to 1 in 18,000+ for the general consensus) or commit suicide (at a whopping 31% suicide rate)… so how is being rich “irrelevant” again?
Personally, I find it irritating that in order to stay alive, I have to sell pretty much everything I own (which isn’t much), and can’t even get a “McJob” because of prejudice. If I were rich, I would have already had laser hair removal. I would have already had a little FFS (mainly scalp advancement). I would have already gone through with SRS many years ago. The point is this: SRS is a necessary part of treatment for some transexuals, and if they are rich, all they need to do is follow directions. If they are poor, it’s a struggle just to see a psychiatrist in order to start or even expedite the process. So for a poor transexual… yes it can be a “walk through hell”. I’m starting to really pass as a woman… to the point that people don’t recognize me from my driver’s license picture and ask me if I’m “that guy’s” girlfriend. RLT is still a pain in the butt if you’re rich, but it’s even that much more so when you’re poor, or even unemployed.
So, did I attack you April? No. Did I see your comment as an attack on Erica’s post? Yes. You picked out one sentence out of the entire article and based that sentence as the sole reason as to why you found Erica’s post to be pointless. Your comment was sophomoric, i.e.: “My friend said this, and your entire article is pointless because my friend’s circumstances are proof”. Your entire comment was based around pointing out someone’s “error”… and now this last comment where you contend that a rich transexual has no advantages over the poor transexual… and that the RLT isn’t a “walk through hell”…
I digress… here’s something that’s really going to bake your noodle: A lot of truths we tend to cling to depend upon a certain point of view. Perception is everything. What you perceive to be a walk in the park may be another person’s nightmare come to life.
I’m not attacking you, ad hom, or otherwise, I just think we all (myself included) need to “tame the tongue” (or even fingers for that matter) before we spit venom.
I guess I really have a divergent point of view where being called sophomoric, implying that I didn’t read the article at all, and claiming my entire post was merely rudely pointing out a minor contradiction isn’t considered a personal attack.
In any case, I’ll just stop and pretend that the entire point of plainolderica’s post was that the real life test is harder if you’re poor. That’s hardly controversial at all – *of course* the real life test is harder if you’re poor. Everything is harder if you’re poor. The real life test is a walk through hell if you’re rich, and like being dragged behind a semi truck in hell if you’re poor. And if that’s all Erica wanted to say, then I apologize for misinterpreting her post.
April, what was said was said. Interpret my post any way you please. Have a nice life. Erica